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Michael Ubaldi, March 25, 2005.

Iran Free Press is reporting that Iranian "Grand Ayatollah Seyyed" Ali Khamenei has joined North Korean "Dear Leader" Kim Jong Il in defending the global consequences of online journals from the Great Unwashed.

NOT ENOUGH, MULLAHS: Scattered reports tell of Iranians having chosen the occasion of a Japan-Iran World Cup match for widespread, pro-democratic protests.

Michael Ubaldi, March 23, 2005.

In the news, ostensibly:

PYONGYANG — Tanks, long guns, missile trucks and jackbooted phalanxes were on parade today in the North Korean capital's Kim Il Sung Square as the totalitarian regime savvily flourished an unprecedented, upbeat diplomatic entreaty to the world. Taking a page from the inviolable texts of Western medical experts — who contend that brain-damaged Florida woman Terri Schiavo, once deprived indefinitely of forcibly admitted food and water will likely, before dying, experience an incipient sensation of pleasure — state-run media services proudly announced the kickoff of campaign "North Korea — Land of Euphoria!"

Speaking from behind a weakly amplified podium microphone, Democratic People's Republic Dear Leader Kim Jong Il, who was reported to have just finished a symbolic fourteen-minute fast, inaugurated the gala with a few remarks and answers to rehearsed questions from state-employed reporters.

"Starvation is the purest Tao," smiled Kim, who between standing ovations snuck crackers from his pocket. "In this prosperous land we have discovered that needs of flesh are anchorage to the Democratic North Korean worker's path to enlightenment and, in the immortal words of Shakes Appear, a 'mortal coil' to be 'shuffled off.'"

To Kim's left, a full wind ensemble suddenly began playing and then at the seated conductor's frenzied urging quickly stopped.

After a brief pause and a subtle head-gesture to plainclothes police seated immediately in front of him, Kim continued.

"It is said that several million of our dutiful people have starved over the last decade. While those rancid, fiery accusations from our jealous enemies are unsubstantiated, I declare that all those who may have not had enough to eat or drink for a period of three to fifteen to forty-five days did so gratefully, willingly and in full expectation of a scientifically proven 'characteristic sense of euphoria.' For those who say 'How, Kim Jong Il, do you know they would have wanted this?' I say, 'go ahead and ask them if they don't!'"

A new conductor took the band into a lively rendition of "Patriotic Song," North Korea's national anthem, while Kim turned to a pair of attendants approaching him with cookies and a napkin.

An enormous propaganda billboard, hanging above and behind Kim's place on the stage, read "HAPPY HUNGRY WORKER DEFETES [sic] FAT AND SAD YANKKEE [sic] IMPERIALISTS!" and depicted three gaunt, rag-clothed North Korean children smiling and pointing at a muscled, tanned, cross KPA soldier in full regalia throwing star confetti and smashing in a single swing the United States Capitol Building and Epcot Center with a can of polish sausage while Mao Tse Tung, Harry Truman, Archie Andrews and Doraemon looked on with admiration, jealousy and fear; and what appeared to be in the billboard's lower right-hand corner Muppet "Bert" and Osama bin Laden flying a two-seater Y-Wing Fighter over a burning Eiffel Tower.

Wiping his mouth of crumbs, Kim moved back to the podium. "Henceforth, this great nation's reeducation and work-invitation camps will be known as Happy Factories, and we will recite pledges of admiration for those of us less obedient who might be so lucky enough to reach the inevitable through such reasonable, sophisticated compassion."

The handpicked audience cheered wildly as Kim raised his arms.

"It almost pains me to say this," he beamed, "but thanks be to Western medicine and jurisprudence!"

With apologies and a nod to Scrappleface. Insisting on a right to die may very well inspire another to suggest you have the privilege, too.

Michael Ubaldi, December 16, 2004.

While John McCain, Chuck Hagel, Chris Dodd and others get the paddling they deserve, I'll join in.

The United States Senate is America's great osteologist's riddle: one hundred men and women walking erect, yet hardly a spine among them.

Michael Ubaldi, December 1, 2004.

Sung to the tune of Chuck Berry's "Johnny B. Goode"

Way up in New York City close to Turtle Bay
In Secretariat, where all the proud flags wave
United Nations mischief pointed to one man
A Secretary-General named Kofi Annan
He didn't implement the U.N. charter so well
But he could chaperone fraud just like ringing a bell

Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go Go
Kofi Begone

Saddam Hussein was building WMDs
He'd just been beat in war and couldn't stand the peace
Sanctions wouldn't stop Saddam's demented plans
We were just about to send him to the promised land
Saddam was gonna sink but old Kofi let him swim
Then Kofi said "I think I can do business with him"

Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go Go
Kofi Begone

It's shameful where the oil money's being found
The dough that was supposed to feed Iraqi mouths
Moscow, Paris, Galloway, Benon Sevan
And monkey business leading back to Kofi's own son
Norm Coleman said, "Hey Kofi, hit the road and thank the stars
"With a record like your own your ass belongs behind bars"

Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go
Go Kofi Go Go Go
Kofi Begone

Michael Ubaldi, October 12, 2004.

Ramesh Ponnuru talks seminal Eighties bands in politics while Matt Drudge tracks Senator John Edwards' shameless, exploitative political faith healing. Suddenly Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" takes on an entirely new meaning. Your own personal Edwards?

JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH: Depeche Mode has worked its way into current events once before.

IN THE NEWS: Edwards is on the record. Testify!


LEST YOU THINK ME GLIB: Two great men, Ronald Reagan and Christopher Reeve, have died, and but days after the death of each the Democratic Party has politicked for lethally destructive embryonic stem-cell research, despite the fact that the conditions tragically facilitating their deaths would not — theoretically or otherwise — be aided by such science.

IDIOT NEPHEW WEIGHS IN: "Stumpquackery" and Kerry of Massareth, Patron Saint of Undecideds and Uncommitted Republicans.

Michael Ubaldi, August 17, 2004.

Original oversight here. (Via IP.)

Michael Ubaldi, August 6, 2004.

It's Friday, so a little goofing is in order. Australian blogger Tim Blair, understandably furious with John Kerry's far-left cheap shot at President Bush, asks "How would Kerry have 'attended to it'?" Rudy Giuliani doesn't think the question is relevant. But truly, a sound comparison can't be made between a career senator and a first-year president. What would a Kerry chief executive have done in those terrible moments? Let's imagine:


9:03 AM: Loudly exclaim "Holp is on the way!..Help. Hope. Both."
9:04 AM: Visit restroom. Wash hands twice. Check hair in mirror.
9:07 AM: Depart from elementary school to secure, undisclosed location.
9:09 AM: En route to command location, telephone French President Jacques Chirac.
9:10 AM: Hang up telephone after receiving busy signal.
9:12 AM: Telephone German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder.
9:13 AM: Hang up telephone after receiving busy signal.
9:14 AM: Check hair in window.
9:18 AM: Telephone French President Jacques Chirac.
9:20 AM: Hang up telephone after receiving busy signal.
9:21 AM: Confer with aides.
9:26 AM: Telephone "Palestinian Authority" leader Yasser Arafat.
9:27 AM: Speak with Arafat briefly; hang up, unable to hear Arafat's attempts to speak over loud cheers in Ramallah office.
9:30 AM: Telephone French President Jacques Chirac.
9:32 AM: Hang up telephone after reaching automated voice mail.
9:41 AM: Arrive at secure, undisclosed location.
9:43 AM: Visit restroom. Wash hands twice. Check hair in mirror.
9:44 AM: From aides, receive word that jet has hit Pentagon, and draft for United Nations General Assembly Resolution 2112, "No More Terrorism Ever, Ever, Ever — and We Mean It, Too, Mister."
9:45 AM: Confer with aides.
9:51 AM: Revise title of Resolution 2112 to ""No More Terrorism Ever, Ever, Ever — and We Mean It, Too, Mister. Sensitively, of Course."
9:52 AM: Confer with aides.
9:54 AM: Telephone Alan Alda with offer to be celebrity spokesman for domestic awareness campaign "Fighting Terrorism with TLC." Receive confirmation.
9:59 AM: Telephone French President Jacques Chirac.
10:00 AM: Hang up telephone after receiving busy signal.

Or something along those lines. You served your country better sitting in shock with your Senate colleagues, Mr. Kerry.

Michael Ubaldi, July 21, 2004.

Enough with the kid stuff: Glenn Reynolds answers the real question.

Michael Ubaldi, July 19, 2004.

I'll vote for John Kerry as president, sure: President of ESPN.

Michael Ubaldi, July 12, 2004.

Kerry-Edwards: The Great Leap Forward!